May 2010
5 posts
Item! JohnK Doesn't Wear Underwear!
Gay divorcee JohnK is a commando…of love! He doesn’t wear underwear because it bunches up! While we sympathize with the bunching, we worry about Mr. K’s swamp balls!
Item! Hipinion Overrun by Tards!
Hipinion has an influx of new blood! Unfortunately, it’s all going to their 14 year-old dongs and they’re just posting in porn threads! Don’t get me wrong, we at the Tattler like a good porn thread! But keep it to creeping on Riley Mason! Or enpimp threads! Christ, guys, we know how to jerk off!
ITEM! HIPINION STALKER EXISTS NOW!
http://hipinionstalker.tumblr.com/post/598996288/confessionsofafeministtechnoexpert
Item! Sordid Affair's Curls Went Loco Today!
Board temptress Sordid Affair revealed that her curls went crazy in the humidity! Yowza! We at Hipinion Tattler are no match for those curls! All we ask, Sordid Affair, is one look at those lucious locks! Let’s just say that something curly might go straight!
Item! 'King' George Stuart Has Been Called Out!
The seeds of revolution are flowering, and a pollen against tyranny is in the wind! Erstwhile moderator ‘King’ George Stuart has been called out by Sharkhax, and, indirectly, Wheeljack! We at Hipinion Tattler only regret that we have but one username to give for our board!
April 2010
7 posts
Item! We Misread Fresh Salad's Post!
We guess that Fresh Salad is worried about people walking in the street! We need more information! If we were to walk down I-95 (or even I-94!), we would be idiots! But walking in the middle of side streets is no big deal if you’re not a dick about it! AND you can be a dick about it…if you’re drunk!
Item! Fresh Salad Waits for the Cross Sign!
Apparently boarder Fresh Salad is five years old! We wonder if he knows that looking both ways is enough! Maybe he can’t see around corners, or he’s worried about speeding cars! We’re not sure the answer, but Fresh Salad: it’s just you! You don’t have to wait for the walk sign if no one’s coming!
Item! Doc Shivers Is Getting Played!
Doc Shivers could take a lesson or two from Snakebro! He spends $100 on a broad he isn’t even banging! And then he doesn’t bang her! I don’t think he has a good job, either! I mean, look at how dumb he is!
Item! Snakebro to Have Foursome!
We at Hipinion Tattler are worried about Snakebro’s new friend, Sketchy Chris! Snakebro claims there will be no sword crossing during the foursome with the Skanks, but you never can tell! But hey! You only live once!
Item! Wheeljack Is Knackered!
The Tattler doesn’t know what “knackered” means! We’re not sure we want to find out!
Item! There Are Two Boarders Banging!
The Tattler is burning up inside with tales to tattle! However, we have been sworn to secrecy, and that is not an oath we take lightly! We urge you two to come clean and tell the board your sordid affair!
Item! Cockout Is a Plagiarist!
Cockout disappointed his alma mater and made some powerful board enemies! He stole krankee’s post and publicly tried to pass it off as his own! We at the Tattler hope that Cockout will take krankee’s post down from his website post haste! We have not made a decision as to whether we will call for his resignation!
January 2010
4 posts
Item! Is McWop23 Gunna Bang Bread Astaire?!?
We here at the Tattler are rapt watching mcwop23 and bread astaire flirt on facebook! We wonder if he’s going to bang her! Is he gunna bang her?!? Only time will tell, but we certainly root for the loveable meathead!
Item! Radtothemaxx Had Cancer!
That’s right! Canadian (we think?!? Vancouver?!?) boarder Radtothemaxx had cancer! He beat it! We didn’t know about the existence of this disease, but we’re genuinely happy he beat it! Great job, science! Great job, Radtothemaxx!
Item! Jeremy Went Nuts!
Much loved boarder Jeremy has gone off his rocker, and wants leggy blonde boarder Astrocat to bang a dolphin! Has the bloom fallen off this once youthful, imaginative flower? Is it only a matter of time until he can only be satiated by whiskey, francophone orgies, and Law
Item! Grammatron Can't Keep the Fire Going!
Board behemoth Grammatron can’t keep his boner up! He says he’s using the right wood, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why the Mrstron doesn’t keep him burning! Thanks to SGP for the tip!
December 2009
6 posts
Item! Hipinion Pretty Stupid, Says Macseries!
Macseries is becoming a bit disillusioned with calling people gay and ragging on Zutroy! Zutroy certainly does suck, but certainly there must be more to life! What is Macseries missing by being on HPN 24/7?!?
Item! Nadezhda Is a Bad Daughter!
South American weirdo Nadezhda made her mom cry! We at the Hipinion Tattler have not done so in ten years! We come to the conclusion that Nadz is a BAD DAUGHTER!
Item! McWop23 Ate Four Pounds of Grapes!
Mine eyes have seen the glory of loveable meathead McWop23! Today he has trampled out the vintage by taking the day off and eating four pounds of grapes! We at the tattler are considering changing his tag to “loveable grapehead!”
Item! Jesse Doesn't Like Ty Segall!
I’m not really surprised! I didn’t really expect him to! Frankly, I’m surprised I do! Jesse’s still a swell guy, ya know!
Item! GS to Throw Life Away!
GS, local curmudgeon and the worst mod ever, is planning on getting a Creative Writing graduate degree! Look, George, we know times are tough, but think about your future!
Item! McWop23 and Knickknacks to Bang!
If, as I assume, every light flirtation leads to banging, loveable meathead McWop23 will be banging enchantress Knickknacks pretty soon here! We at the Tattler have been known to tell the lovebirds to “get a room,” but pretty soon it’s going to be “get a four-door sedan to replace the Evo!”
November 2009
24 posts
Item! Aeroplane Is a Hero!
Boarder Aeroplane posted the .gif that keeps on giving…boners!
NENAD KRSTIC MUST GO!
Popular demand and reason must be obeyed! We at Hipinion Tattler demand that relatively new boarder Nenad Krstic be banned! He’s terrible!
Item! Party at Bufu's Place!
Bufu bought a bar! We need to crash his house, cuz I hear the drinks are real cheap!
Item! Wolfie Welcomes Cubbie!
After nine months of anxiety and steaks, board gastronaut Wolfie welcomes his first young’un to the den! We hear your wife’s hot, Wolfie, so here’s hoping it’s a she-wolf!
Item! Snake Likes His New Freeloader!
Board hero Snake has a new freeloader living with him! His name’s D.G., but frequently goes by “the deedge!” The Californian’s roommate informed him that his cousin would be living with him “until he got back on his feet!” While we expected Snake to be upset with this, marijuana and Captain Morgan quickly enamored D.G. to our ophidian amigo! We wish Snake and...
Item! Entropy Conducts Social Experiment!
The sexual tension between Entropy and Goodhat overflowed into a 20 page circle jerk and a 15 page hatefuck! Goodhat has promised not to ban, but we encourage both threads to keep going, at least until exams! If for no other reason, they cause phpBB errors every five seconds!
Item! Some Chick Wants to Bang Eddy Piss!
Some fool woman wants to bang vinyl merchant Eddy Piss because he’s depressed! The dark, mysterious stranger reportedly cried during a screening of Germany, Year Zero, and the aforementioned Fraulein immediatly got wet in the v! Hipinion wants to know, Eddy Piss: R U gunna bang her?
Item! Eddy Piss Has an Awesome Egg Nog Recipe!
“Beat separately until light in color
12 egg yolks
Beat in gradually
1 lb. confectioner’s sugar
Add very slowly, beating constantly
2 c. dark rum, brandy, bourbon, or rye
These liquors form the basis of the “nog”, and you may choose one
variety or mix to taste; I prefer rum.
Let mixture stand covered for 1 hour to dispel the “eggy” taste.
Add,...
Item! Swan to Devote Life to Science!
Non-disgruntled boarder Swan thinks that a girl invited him to her birthday party to bang her! He’s in for a surprise! They’re gonna put a can of red paint on the door like in Carrie and he’s gonna get covered in red paint! Only thing is, he doesn’t have super powers! All he’s got is his study of fluid dynamics in the inner core of main sequence stars in sizes ranging...
Item! Fox-River Keeps Her Shoes on the Roof!
Camping enthusiast and dirty hippie Fox-River keeps her shoes on the roof! Why would anyone do that?!?!?
Item! Koz to Fix Admin Panel!
Badhat’s dream finally came through as benevolent despot Erik Gloom was laid off! We expect to see quick changes around Dorkboard, including fixing of the admin panel, optimizing of tables, and overal Priestley-fication ot the world’s faggiest webboard!
Item! DrSokk Has Bad Breath!
We at the Tattler know at least one 1L who won’t be getting any kisses under the mistletoe! MacSeries! But we know a second! DrSokk has admitted that he has tonsoliliths, one of the leading causes of halitosis! If we were you, DrSokk, we’d be getting a PhD in Altoids!
Item! There Are Boarders Who Don't Know Who Ott...
Doesn’t that make you feel old?!?!?
Item! Staple`'s Crush Likes Him!
Just another turn on the long road to the grave, Staple`! And yet, l’chaim!
Item! Kid8's Virginity Grew Back!
Noted homosexual Kid8 hasn’t banged in like 18 months! Someone give this guy a zucchini!
Item! Reepicheep's Love Nest to Be Vacated in Four...
Long Island boarder Reepicheep has planned a nine day sojourn to Amsterdam! Word is that he’ll bring along his trusty rapier, and he has a plan to write Beyerstein a postcard! Stay out of the red light district, and don’t accept any wooden nickels, Reep!
Item! Sokk Can't See the Forest for the Trees!
Yo Sokk, there is only one action—the civil action!
Item! Murgatroid Doesn't Like "Lady Godiva's...
Non-American Murgatroid doesn’t like the Velvet Underground classic “Lady Godiva’s Operation!” Is it because he’s not American? We at the Tattler would like to think so, but because that’s just downright unamerican!
Item! Hosebeast Is Bigg Robb!
By saying he’s gonna bang Riley Mason, hosebeast has proven he’s Bigg Robb circa January, 2008! Mason, the retired, boring porn starlet, could not be reached for comment, as she was too busy not doing anal!
Item! Entropy Has a Cruuuuuuuuuuush!
Board lunatic/troll Entropy has a cruuuuuuuuuuuuush! We won’t get him in trouble with his “wife” by revealing who it is, but suffice it to say, Entropy sucks! He’ll play it off like he’s a knight in shining armor, but come off it, fatty!
Item! Macseries Intimidates GS!
Great boarder Macseries gives the worst moderator, GS, the willies! This is a report from GS about their meeting on October 30! You heard it here first, folks!
Item! Tattler Announces Tattling Competition!
It has become abundantly evident this week that the Tattler cannot fulfill its important role as an independent reporter of board wheelings and dealings throughout the months of November and December! Thus, we seek assistance! What is your compensation? Entropy’s ire! Why should you do this? You’re a social outcast! Email hipiniontattler@gmail.com!
Item! McWop23 Is a Good Friend!
Because his dumbass friends did something dumb, McWop23 left the club to save them! God bless that loveable meathead!
Item! Milk Rules!
It’s sorta like tears from a cow’s boobs, but Hipinion has unilaterally declared its love for milk! It remains to be seen whether chocolate milk will gain the same support!
October 2009
44 posts
Item! "Atlantic City" is the Best Springsteen...
It has been decided! “Atlantic City” is the best song on Nebraska! Nebraska has Springsteen’s best songs! Therefore, “Atlantic City” is Springsteen’s best song!
Item! The Tattler Still Needs Your Tips!
With the recent revelation that Fury has, in fact, not been a virgin for some time, it has become quite evident that the Tattler does, in fact, sleep and work! Please, friends, send your updates to hipiniontattler@gmail.com!
Item! Fury Things Is No Longer a Virgin!
In requesting an approval from Goodhat, Kid8 let slip the juicy morsel that Fury Things is no longer a virgin! Does he need to continue practicing putting a condom on? Time will tell!
Item! FRL Loves Ketchup!
The object of Hipinion’s collective limerance, Free Range Lettuce, shocked the board today when she declared her love for ketchup! Reportedly FRL is “not ashamed to admit” her love for the condiment! Far from detracting from her charm, we find that this development has added a layer of complexity to FRL’s beguiling mixture of down-home coziness and worldly enchantment!